We’re swapping the canopy off the truck again because we want the silver one, no the white one, no actually the silver one is better let’s put that back on. I am helping my spouse move this big, heavy, hulking behemoth because all of our really strong friends are unavailable. I think they’re just tired of this dog and pony show. But since I’m one of those people who has been doing CrossFit and won’t SHUT UP ABOUT IT, I am the lucky duck who gets to move this bulky box of fiberglass.
I am standing in the back of the truck, bent at the knees as I guide the canopy into place. The silver monstrosity is supported mainly by J, who stands in the driveway with his hands in full extension above his head. He is in the process of slowly, ever so carefully, shuffling the canopy toward the truck when… it happens.
Ppppprrrrrrrrrrtttt.
Wait, what? Did I hear that right? Did J just let out a long, thunderous fart?
Yes friends. Yes he did.
I peer through the canopy window at him with the requisite face of disgust. What I see is completely unexpected. He’s doubled over, or trying to keep from doubling over, while giggling like a child who just discovered a whoopee cushion for the first time. He can’t breath. He can’t speak. He can hardly stand. Yet somehow he lowers the canopy to rest atop his head as his laughter escalates to dry heaving. In between gulps of air he manages to squeak out, “It’s not my fault! It was exertional flatulence!”
I’m not a medical professional, but…exertional flatulence? I can’t believe I’ve never heard of this, as it is arguably the BEST medical term ever coined by the medical community!
I googled it, and to my knowledge this post-fart utterance by my DPT husband is the first time the term has been used. (He may be flatulent, but he’s also a genius.) Which makes it my distinct pleasure to unveil for you, for the first time ever, the official definition of exertional flatulence:
Exertional Flatulence noun
ex·er·tion·al flat·u·lence | /iɡˈzərSH(ə)nal/ /ˈflaCHələns/
An emission of gas from the anus as the result of forceful or sustained physical effort. Most likely to occur at an inopportune time or in front of someone you are trying to impress. It can be a one time incident or chronic affliction, and is known to become more prevalent with age. Ex: “While in his first yoga class, Taylor was surprised by an emission of exertional flatulence while doing a standing twist. Yes, the entire class heard it too.”
Situations wherein you might fall victim to exertional flatulence:
- Trying something new. Yoga. Flyfishing. Giving birth. If you haven’t done it before you won’t know how your body is going to react. If you know going in that your new efforts may result in breaking wind, you’ll be better able to handle it when it happens.
- Heavy lifting. Lifting heavy things is cited as the most common trigger of exertional flatulence. You’re putting in a lot of effort over a short amount of time, often with great physical effort. A fart is bound to escape when all 600+ muscles in your body are clenched at the same time. Your butt just can’t hold all that pressure in.
- Sneezing and/or laughing. Sneezes can travel at 100mph leaving your face. If that doesn’t result in great forces elsewhere else in your body, I don’t know what would. I’m including laughing here too because, while I don’t have any medical information on the subject, I certainly suffer from laughing induced flatulence.
- Running long distances. More along the lines of sustained exertion resulting in flatulence than forceful effort, when you jiggle stuff around for long enough it’s bound to seek escape. The beauty of running is that you leave your problem behind you in quick order, and if you’re on the trail or a busy road you have a 73% chance that no one will be the wiser.
- Having a traumatic dream. A theory only, I believe that when you fart in your sleep it’s because you are having a bad dream where you’re running or being forced to try something new or lift something heavy, and that leaves you no choice but to cut the cheese.
Remember, exertional flatulence isn’t your fault, and there is no cure. Rest assured that you are not alone in your struggle to hide the surprise from behind. Others stand with you, cheeks blowing silently (but deadly) in the wind, trying to make it through the day (and the smell). Stay strong. You will make it through this.
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