Based on the whelming response to last week’s Sidewalk Yielding blog, I’m guessing a few of you have time on your hands. Might I suggest using your free time to practice crevasse rescue? Building Z-pulleys and J-pulleys and 45-to-1 pulleys is not only excellent practice, but a great way to earn a Stayed Home merit badge if you’re into that sort of thing. To get you started, here are the relative merits of different household items for practicing crevasse rescue:
Spouse/Partner/Housemate
Pro: Other people are probably the best thing to rescue, since, you know, people are the thing you would be rescuing from a crevasse. Have them don their climbing kit and full pack to replicate on-mountain conditions. Plus, you might have more than one person in your house to help you with setup.
Con: To fully simulate the real life conditions, your spouse/partner/housemate probably can’t help you setup your pulley system. This poses an issue when your spouse is the one who knows WAY more about pulley systems than you do, not that I’m speaking from experience. Plus, people are heavy!
Pet
Pro: Doing pretty much anything to your pets is hysterical (have you SEEN dogs in booties, or its sister compilation cats and tape?). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not promoting animal cruelty here, but using your pet will probably be the most amusing choice.
Con: Animals vary in size, shape, and tolerance for your antics. Maybe you have a large-sized, placid dog. She’s probably a good choice. Whereas an aggro, spastic cat maybe not so much. Got a hedgehog? My friend Teresa does and damn that thing is cute! Maybe you should just get a hedgehog instead of practicing crevasses recuse… either way, be sure to practice safe harness techniques when suiting up your little buddies.
Handle of booze
Pro: Surely you have a bottle of something in your house with the current situation. Given that it’s called a handle, it definitely has a handle to which you can attach the rope or carabiner. Depending on how cheap you are, it’ll be reasonably heavy because it’s glass.
Con: You probably already drank most of it, so now you’re faced with the should I drink the rest of it then refill it with water or just go with the lighter weight dilemma. I’m not here to tell you what to do, but it’s who-knows-what-time on Blursday, so, you do you. If you do choose to imbibe, you should probably wait until tomorrow to set up your pulleys. Don’t worry, it’ll still be Blursday.
A couch
Pro: A couch is a great shape to wrap a rope around, and with its heft it’ll give you the resistance you need to feel like you’re really working for it! Plus, if you have a sectional you can “anchor yourself” on one side of the couch while you “rescue” the other half of the “L”.
Con: You’ll probably take an accidental siesta.
A big rock or log
Pro: Using items from nature will mimic the natural surroundings of a real crevasse rescue, and will perform unpredictably.
Con: Using items from nature will mimic the natural surroundings of a real crevasse rescue, and will perform unpredictably.
Bag of Franzia
Pro: When you rescue a bag of Franzia, you’re entitled to a victory gulp (or four)*.
Con: I don’t know why the Franzia is out of its box, but for whatever reason you only have the bag to work with. Be careful when wrapping the bag with the rope, you don’t want to split it open before it’s in your sweet little hands. Make note: the pour spout is especially vulnerable during rescue, and should be treated with the utmost care.
Your grandmother’s porcelain vase
Pro: Objectively, it’s beautiful, so you’ll be happy when you’ve rescued it successfully. It’s also a good shape to attach a rescue anchor.
Con: Your grandmother loved this vase, so should anything happen to it you’ll be sad.
Pro: But you secretly hate this vase, it’s big and ugly and takes up too much room, so if it were to break during your attempt at self-improvement, then you wouldn’t feel so bad about finally getting rid of it.
Con: If it does survive despite your attempts to destroy it, now you have to keep the vase for life and you should probably marry it.
There you have it!
The relative merits of different household items for practicing crevasse rescue. What did I miss? Do you have any other must-try household items for others to consider?
*A huge THANK YOU to Meghan Young, who gave me the idea for this blog and fed me that hysterical line about rewarding yourself with Franzia.
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