With a snort, the single coagulated snot ball exits your nostril in a perfect arc over your right shoulder. It’s cold and your nose is like a sieve that just won’t stop. You’ve been sniffing at this thing for hours with no relief, and you’re without a handy hanky. Now, finally, you can breathe easy again. 

Blowing the perfect snot rocket is a feat unparalleled in outdoor recreation. I would put it up there against landing a frontside 360, winning a beer mile, and nabbing the gold medal with a 0.01 lead in the Olympics. In the end, though, the snot rocket reigns supreme. It grants you not only mental and physical achievement, but feeds a primal need to find relief in a bold, satisfying way. 

Like any great skill, the snot rocket takes practice to master. Regardless of where you find yourself on this booger-filled journey, follow this technique to mastery:

1. Pick your marks: Snot rockets are done one nostril at a time. Do not try the “double blow”. That is what tissues are for. Pick one. 
2. Get set: Once you’ve selected a nostril for the blow out, place a finger from the opposite hand on the opposing nostril. Turn your head open-nostril first over the correlating shoulder to assume the position. For example, if you want to rocket your right nostril, put the pointer finger of your left hand on your left nostril, then turn your head to the right, so you will be blowing over your right shoulder. 
3. BLOW!: Now that you’re in position, make sure no one is behind you (in the immediate “deposit zone”). When you see an “all clear”, take a quick breath in and BLOW! Blow HARD. You need to commit with great force like you would with a tissue, only you are outside and have chosen this moment to express your freedom. If executed properly, roughly 92% of the offending nose-phlegm will exit the batcave in one fluid motion. 

What happens now? Well first pat yourself in the back for giving this a whirl. You did good kid. Second, you may have a few remnants in your face. That’s okay. Seepage happens, but wipe that up ASAP. You aren’t a 4-year-old and your mommy isn’t here to wipe your facey-wasey.

A few other things to note: 

• Snot Consistency: Snot all snot is made equal (see what I did there?). Too runny and you’re looking at a mess everywhere, and too tacky and… well that ain’t coming out. I don’t know how to explain this other than to say, you’ll know the right viscosity when it happens. And if you get it wrong, you’ll know that too. Just like the pee funnel, this one might be good to practice in the shower a few times to avoid public embarrassment.
• Nostril Favoritism: I’m right handed. I hypothesize that I must have spent more time growing up with my finger in my right nostril because it seems way bigger than my left. In truth, I have a slightly deviated septum and therefore the rockets come out of ole’ righty better than lefty. You might find similar favoritism amongst your nose-holes.
• Speed Considerations: Snot rockets are meant for the outdoors, where you may be moving at variable speeds. Take note of your speed and direction of travel so as to not accidentally blow back on yourself (or your buddy). The faster you’re going, the more aggressive your blow may need to be. 
• Nose Rings: I am not an owner of a nose worthy of a nose ring, but my friends with handsomer-schnozes tell me that if you have a nose piercing, you want to close the nostril off above the ring. This ensures no air leaks through the ring, because air leakage means a spray of snot in the face and not on the ground. That’s no bueno.
• Standard Cleanup: It’s pretty standard to have some residual rocket on your face after launch. An A+ goes to anyone who can achieve a five-star SR. For the rest of us, be mindful to always have somewhere to wipe. Glove. Sleeve. Shirt. Pants or socks if you’re bendy. It doesn’t matter but like a good Scout, always be prepared. 

There you have it, everything you need to know to blow the perfect snot rocket. With this newfound knowledge comes great responsibility. You are now an ambassador for all Rocketeers everywhere. Behave as such. Be mindful of where you blow, and remember the cardinal rule of rocketing: outside only. Retching back and launching one at your Father-In-Law’s fancy dinner party is probably not the best idea. Be a good steward for The Rocket. Enjoy the ride.