Gone are the days of passing people mindlessly on the sidewalk, eyes downcast to avoid human interaction. Now every block is full of obstacles and danger, all of us pawns in a giant game of Frogger. Or maybe it’s Packman? Regardless, there are new rules for sidewalk yielding in the age of Coronavirus, and you best abide by them.

Our need to stay six-feet from one another is now your top priority. Fears of being hit by a car (not that anyone is driving anyway) should be cast aside. We must avoid one another at all costs, and in Seattle, where it’s only sunny for a few hours (minutes?) a day, we all go out at the same time, making it all the more imperative we follow the rules.

Walking down the sidewalk, we’re faced with decisions at every step. Should I walk in the parkstrip, or do I need to go out to the street? Should I move now, or wait and see if they move first? Should I go five more steps to cut across this driveway to the road, or should I go now and risk stepping in a pile of dog shit? I don’t have all the answers, but these are the new rules of sidewalk yielding in the age of Coronavirus as I understand them:

Wisdom over youth

If you see someone older than you (whether that qualifies as elderly or not), get out of their way. They get the sidewalk and you don’t because they’ve earned it and you, with your young knees, are more able to nimbly navigate the greenery. If the age difference is unclear, refer to the other rules.

Count the strollers

I don’t have kids, but I’ve seen enough people with kids on the sidewalk to know walking with kids, especially young ones, is difficult. And strollers! Those are a whole other challenge when it comes to navigating the cracks and hills and curbs of the sidewalk. If I were a parent I’d just walk in the street to avoid all that, but not everyone rolls that way, which means, if you don’t have a stroller or kids then you should move.

But what about when two strollers are heading toward each other? In that case, you have to look at the kid to parent ratio. One adult + double stroller? You get right of way over two adults + double stroller or two adults + single stroller. It’s simple math really.

Singles in the street

Are you alone (as you should be if you don’t have others in your household)? Then you can move more easily than, say, a family of three. Or a couple with a dog. Or a couple arguing loudly while walking with an open bottle of wine, passing it back and forth (forget the open container laws!) getting too drunk to move out of the way and accidently tripping over the dog leash of the other couple. Which brings us to the next rule…

Pets pass through

If you have a dog, or if you’re one of those people who likes to walk your cat, you get the right of way over petless people. Us petless people are already pathetic and sad anyway, so we might as well walk in the street like lonely losers. This is the worst rule actually, because at least before COVID I could pet your dog, but now even that form of contact is frowned upon. I still retain my right to stare longingly at your gorgeous puppo, and to ask her if she’s the goodest girl.

Positionality

Where are you on the sidewalk in relation to other people, and, from what direction are you advancing? If you’re gaining on someone from behind, it is always your job to move regardless of the other rules. Your other option is to slow down and execute a passing maneuver at an intersection. If you’re going head to head with someone, observe where they are on the block. Did they just start walking down that particular block, or are they almost done? Whoever has had “more ownership” of the block for longer, should have right-away, all other things being equal.

Fitness freaks move aside

I’m talking to you sidewalk exercise enthusiasts! Power-walkers, joggers, runners, roller bladers, roller skaters, skateboarders, jazzercizers – move it to the street. You’re moving quickly and should get out of the way. This is especially true if you’re coming up behind someone. Do you know how terrifying it is to be approached from behind by a jogger you didn’t hear coming? You’re lucky I didn’t break out my karate skills on you yesterday punk! And you weren’t even six feet away!

Walkers have right of way over runners/bladers/skaters.

Delivery people gotta deliver

Delivery people should be getting hazard pay right now. They are, after all, the reason many of us can self-quarantine in our houses with our piles of toilet paper and fresh veggies. But they aren’t getting hazard pay and are still doing their work regardless, so get the eff out of their way.

Yield to those with less mobility

See someone in a wheelchair? What about a kid on crutches, or my friend who shall remain nameless scooting around with a broken foot regardless of her doctor’s orders? Those individuals are dealing with enough. It seems silly that this rule even needs to be stated, but it does. Yield to individuals with limited mobility first.

In total, the new rules for sidewalk yielding in the age of Coronavirus are:

Limited Mobility > Visibly Over 60 > Delivery People > Single Parent with Double Stroller and Dog > Two Parents with Double Stroller (No Dog) > Two Parents with Single Stroller (No Dog) > Runner with Dog > Runner without Dog > Walker with Dog > Couple with wine > Couple without wine > Walker without Dog > Sidewalk Exercise Enthusiast*

And one final thing that I shouldn’t have to say but I will: now is NOT the time to spit on the ground or “accidentally drop” your used tissue. Sadly, this also means you cannot use this time to practice your snot-rocket technique, but, be patient my friends, your time will come soon. And even sooner if you just stay the hell away from everyone!

Now you know the rules of the game. As RuPaul would say, Don’t Fuck It Up.

*A huge thanks to Sara Ramsay, who had this idea for a blog and came up with the rules rubric.

Want more snarky advice? Meet the HyrdoBed, perfect for your “I don’t know what day it is anymore” hangover.