Congratulations! Your toenail turned all of the colors and is going to fall off. Don’t despair. Follow these tips* to embrace the 6-12 month regrowing process to welcome your new nail with grace and dignity.

First things first, mitigate the pain. Whether you jammed the toe vigorously against the goddamn end table (again) or maybe it turned black and blue because of your ill-fitting ski boots (and let’s face it: your poor form), the first thing you need to do is quell the throbbing. Prop it up, ice it down, or put a hot needle through the nail; whatever you need to do to ease the pain. I recommend sleeping on the couch, where you can prop your foot and keep it out from under the horrendously painful bed sheets, while sucking down Vitamin I (with whiskey). Wear flip flops for a few days just to be safe.

After the initial shock wears off, it’s time to watch the body work. Your toe may turn into the technicolor raincoat or it might just look like, you know, a regular, irritated toenail, but either way this journey will be fascinating and very uniquely you. Watch and enjoy. I recommend documenting it for your scrapbook! For the millennials in the audience, that means posting it to your Instagram story.

About six-weeks in you’ll enter the critical wiggle period. Do not mess with your loose toenail. This is not first grade and you are not losing your first tooth. Do not wiggle, twist, lift, pull at, poke, prod, or otherwise muck with the nail. Trust me on this. Tape mittens to your hands if you have to. You want this damaged nail to stay on for as long as physically possible.

When the nail becomes too loose on its own, put a bandaid or tape over it. This will keep it from the dreaded catch-on-a-sheet-in-your-sleep situation. Not the best way to wake up (not that I know from experience or anything). If you don’t like the way it looks, paint nail polish on the bandaid. No one will be the wiser. And bonus! Taking off a bandaid is easier, and less aromatic, than using nail polish remover.

As the old nail grows out and the new nail comes in underneath, you will need to trim the old toenail. Cut it as you would if it were still fully attached, being mindful of the corners so as to not encourage any ingrown issues. Let’s not make a bad situation worse.

Eventually, it will be time for the nail to come off. Just like being in love, you’ll know when it’s right. Take a moment. Say your goodbyes – you’ve been through a lot together! Then, slowly and carefully, extract the nail. This may require only a gentle tug or might need more delicate scissor-work. Take your time. You don’t want to lose the new toenail because of a botched removal job.

And there you have it: a new toenail! Put on sandals, go to the beach, and take that puppy for a spin. You’ve earned it buddy. Now, try not to do anything stupid.

*These tips are based on zero-medical knowledge and are solely a reflection of my experience having lost 1.5 toenails (one is mid-stream) in my lifetime. I haven’t even Googled to make sure my blabbering is remotely grounded in reality. Your toenail might be just fine actually, and you aren’t even going to lose it. I don’t know! This post is 100% alternative fact-based.