For days I’m plagued by a singular, overwhelming craving for fake banana. Six months pregnant, I leave work midday in search of the elusive flavor which I know will bring swift relief to the overwhelming thoughts and salivating mouth. Only, I cannot find my elusive drug anywhere. Banana Runts are no longer sold in stores.
My relief comes a few agonizing days later, thanks to Amazon Prime. I’m not proud of the fact that I resort to ordering a 1lb bag of banana Runts online, but I’ve looked everywhere. Don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in a pregnant lady’s shoes.
I open the bag to the overwhelming olfactory sensation of manufactured banana. The slippery crunch of the first tiny crescent-shaped morsel dissolving between my molars is better than any birthday present, more gratifying than the birth of my firstborn. That delectable bite is truly one of the most triumphant moments of my life (and I’ve skied from the summit of Tahoma (Mt. Rainier)).
My shame prevents me from telling you how quickly I eat the bag – let’s just say it’s gone in less than a week. Sores break out in my mouth from all the salt and sugar and, I’m sure, cancer-causing fake-banana flavoring chemicals. I order a second bag.
I love bananas
A well-known fact about me is that I love bananas. I start every day by splitting open a real banana, and when one isn’t available for whatever asinine reason, I turn into the equivalent of your most “not a morning person” friend going without their cup of coffee. My love for bananas is so well established that it came up in the officiant’s individual pre-wedding interviews with both me and my now-husband. The story of our banana-connection made it into the final ceremony. Seriously.
But this pregnancy craving isn’t about real bananas. I am specifically craving the fake banana flavor. Even I don’t understand, but thankfully few people are willing to argue with a pregnant lady.
Sharing is caring
Like any good geriatric millennial, I share my craving journey through Instagram stories. After my first post, quite unexpectedly, fake-banana treats start appearing on my doorstep. My living room fills with banana flavored Hi-Chews, Laffy Taffy, and Jelly Beans. I am practically swimming in fake banana. While I could pretend that I think this is too much, I do not. I’m loving this golden-hued bounty!
Fast forward a few months: I have the baby, the craving subsides, and the fake-banana fervor dies down…. For a time. Then, a colleague – remembering my pregnancy hijinks – brings a Banana Cream OliPop to work for us to try. We pour it into wine glasses to drink in the sunshine while feeling fancy. The soda is not my fave, but the experience is delicious. I post another story commemorating the new-to-me drink, and much to my surprise, this kicks off another round of banana delights.
A colleague brings banana KitKat’s from Japan (so good). Not to be outdone, another friend returns from overseas with a different Japanese treat, a banana twinkie-like confection. Then more banana stuff shows up via delivery on my doorstep. The surprise package includes Haribo Banan’s, Pocky Banana & Choco Sticks, more banana Jelly Bellys, and banana Nisquik, which yes, is really a thing. My kids enjoy that milky goodness with me.
The fake banana craving Retirement Party
No sooner has the Nisquik supply run dry than my work hosts a banana-themed staff meeting in honor of my 11-year anniversary (and last month at The Mountaineers). Folks bring in all sorts of banana flavored things: Korean banana cream soda (so yum!), banana Choco-Pies (surprisingly delicious), Binggrae banana milk, more Jelly Bellys, and banana Now N Laters. The spread does not disappoint. My belly hurts immediately from overindulgence.
All this to say, I believe I am a leading expert on fake banana eats. If it’s fake banana flavored, I have likely consumed it. And, having fully exhausted the banana confectionary rainbow, I’ve decided that I am ready to retire this craving. But real banana? I could never give that up! Did I mention someone made two banana cream pies for the staff meeting? The pies were delicious. My tongue is still recovering from the rest.
p.s. Did you know that fake banana flavor is based on a now-extinct banana species? Banana is not the most stable fruit. Likely, the bananas we enjoy today will taste very different twenty years from now. From my scientist friend Krystin: “The chemical for artificial banana is isoamyl acetate. It is naturally produced by reopening fruit and is also an off flavor in many agricultural products and a byproduct of fermentation of certain yeast strains.” Get it? No, me either, but I still like it!
p.p.s. HUGE thanks to all my friends who enabled this craving, especially Erin, Claire, Tailor, Betsy, Mitch, Anita, Becca, and the whole crew at The Mountaineers! And thanks to the scientists Jess and Krystin for the banana education!