This, Musings of a Maybe-Mama, is Part I of a three-part series exploring our not-so-straightforward pregnancy/fertility journey. Check back soon for Parts II and III.

I may might be pregnant.

For 6-months my husband and I have been sort-of, but-not-really, trying.

We didn’t necessarily want to get pregnant right away, but we figured if it happened we’d be happy. And if it didn’t, we’d be happy too.

But, it didn’t happen right away. And it didn’t happen when we started tracking and really trying a few months later. Then we took a few months off to control when the baby might be born because I thought I could ‘project manage’ this sort of thing. As if I have any control.

Which brings us to now. A warm Wednesday, blue skies greeting the morning dew. I am two days late according to my tracking app, but by my count it’s five based on average cycle length. Still, the pregnancy test I took two days ago was negative.

Could I be pregnant?

I really want to be pregnant. I hope that I am, and was sure on Monday the test would be positive. But it wasn’t, and in the days hence I have been waiting for, and dreading, spots of red on toilet paper. A tiny sign that yet another month will go by without the feeling I so desperately desire.  

It’s hard to describe how slowly time has been moving lately.

Thoughts of pregnancy pop into my brain at all times and all hours. Single days – especially after weeks of waiting between ovulation and period – seem to go on forever. Every conversation feels new somehow.

Significant.

‘I might be pregnant’ I think over and over, while trying to hold a conversation.

Am I?

I’m finding it impossible to think about anything else. This singular possibility, a tiny, maybe zygote, is the only thing that matters right now. Anything that happens today is instantly tied back into my maybe-pregnancy:

• I have a headache > I must be pregnant.
• Why is my mouth so dry? > I read once that’s a symptom of pregnancy.
• I am SO tired! > The baby is already sucking the life out of me.
• What is with this excess earwax? > I should really look this up later.
• Is that a cramp? > Man I hope not!
• Does my house have a funky smell because I’m pregnant, or because my house has a funky smell? > Seriously, what is going ON in my basement?

Yet the most urgent and pressing question remains: how much longer should I wait to take another pregnancy test? 

I am sure that I am.

And still, I cannot fathom the idea that a test could ruin this feeling in my bones. So I let fear and the need to be in control hold me in place for another night.

Maybe I’ll find out tomorrow. 

Stay tuned for Parts II and III.