Dear Women of Airport Bathrooms,

I’m hardly a frequent traveler, but I find myself amongst your ranks 3-5 times a year when I do my best to blend in. I politely wait in line when applicable, find a stall near the back if I’ll be a while, and move expediently when I know others are waiting. Because let’s be real ladies, we spend enough of our lives waiting in bathroom lines.

However, since the advent of the cell phone – really since the wide adoption of the smartphone – I have noticed a growing trend I find most troubling. That’s why I’m here today. We need to talk about what is, and what is not, appropriate behavior in public restrooms.

I first encountered this offensive conduct on my way home from Chicago in the fall of 2013. I remember specifically because 1) I was so shocked, and 2) earlier that year I had driven to Jackson after getting laid off the second time to ski with my friend Amy, and while visiting we shared stories of how ladies just can. not. seem to flush toilets at ski resorts and isn’t that so annoying and dear god why is it so hard? Thus, I was on high alert in September 2013 when I walked into a 4-stall bathroom in the airport and heard it: a woman talking on the phone….from inside the stall.

Not to be judgy, but really? You are in a public restroom. Surely your conversation is not that important (and I know, because I had to listen to it). Have you considered holding it? Or asking the person if you can call them back? Why not take advantage of those silent texting capabilities like the rest of us?

I understand that desire to stay on the phone while you’re going to the bathroom. It’ll just take a minute, you don’t want to interrupt the person you’ve been using as entertainment while you’re bored at the airport, and frankly it’s just more efficient. I am the queen of efficiency – I get it! I have absolutely gone to the bathroom while talking on the phone….in my own home….to a very exclusive set of people. Which means I am telling you, as one of your own, that airport bathrooms are not some secret vortex where you should continue your conversation about Aunt Mildred’s gallstones or the major presentation you just nailed. We do not want to listen to you strategize over spreadsheets or family matters or if you should go on a second date with Tim or Andrew from Tinder.

Just stop.

Hang up the damn phone. Put it in your pocket. Go to the bathroom. Wash your hands. Continue the conversation. This keeps you from annoying everyone else AND keeps airborne feces off your phone. You touch that thing to your face you know. Win win.

With love,
Kristina, the girl who hates you two stalls over